stay at home? i don't think so!

i was lucky enough to be able to visit with my cousin and his family the other night. chris and kim live up in the sacramento area and have 3 lovely children. we have not seen them in YEARS! and so it was nice to have a little reunion even if it was too short :o(

in the course of the evening my mother asked kim if she was working or if she “just stayed at home.” what?! did she really just use those words?

the thing is, i don’t know any moms who do not work ‘outside’ their homes that would consider themselves a “stay at home” mom. when most people think of the word stay i believe that the following definition comes to mind : “to stop, halt, or pause; a standstill”. that in no way describes what a mom who society says “stays at home” does. mom’s who do not work outside their homes work at them. being the primary caregiver of a child is a lot of hard work! there are the feedings, diapers, tears, owees to mend, games to be played, errands to be run, lessons to be taught, discipline to give, cleaning to be done, play dates to attend and host, meals to be cooked, pta meetings, trips to the park, doctor appointments, grocery shopping……..the list goes on and on. for those who say it isn’t work, they should consider the incredible amount of money families pay child care professionals to do the (ummmm?) “staying” for them. in fact, they should consider the fact that there is a whole slew of professions related to the tasks that moms have to accomplish on a daily basis.

now i don’t think that my mom meant the question in a derogatory manner but i think that it doesn’t make it less insulting. perhaps my mom used the ’stay at home’ term because she has been a mom who worked outside of the home while my brother and i were young or more likely, perhaps she used it because that (for some reason) is the term that society uses to describe a mother does not work at a place of business outside the home. who knows?…but it did remind me how much of a problem i have with the label “stay at home mom”. i used to be a “stay at home mom” and i never stayed put no matter how many times or how many days i wished i could just sit, stay, good mom! but that is a luxury that i never seemed to have.

i’m not making any judgements here about whether a mom who works in the home or out of the home is better. i have been both and realize that both kinds work hard every day to care for and love their children to the best of their ability. each day moms complete task after task after task and very very little of it ever involves staying put. unless of course, you count the times we finally get to crash after our little ones are tucked in bed….at least until we are called back to duty because of hunger, or a bad dream or a sore throat or…….

i forgot to remember

that is the response i got from enrique (age 7) when i asked him if the pups had been fed. “oh! i forgot to remember” i love it!

the things these kids say sometimes make my heart smile. i took a little trip down memory lane after hearing that from my little guy. one of my favorite things he also used to say was “my hands hurt”. it would come out any time he did not want to do something like help with the groceries or pick up the living room. the best part of the hurting hands routine was the presentation. enrique would literally present his hands to me palms up and give me the best puppy dog eyes he could muster along with a few tears and insist “but mommy, i can’t! my hands hurt” where/how do they come up with these things? i’ll admit it may not have always gotten him the freedom from the task but ocassionally i would fall for it…..it was just way too cute!

there are so many moments that come up in my life as a mom that i just don’t ever want to forget to remember. perhaps i’ve been more sentimental than usual about the kids growing up. my daughter will be 13 tomorrow and i tear up everytime i think about it. i also tear up when i remember (and at times struggle to remember) all the little things my little ones used to say and do. it has always been the little and simple moments of life that have meant the most to me. they grow up and change so fast and there are so many moments that i just want to freeze time so i can enjoy and take in the moment just a little bit longer.

i love this monkey hurting hands, forgetting to remember, and all!

say it aint so!

this friday, april 13th (yes that’s friday the 13th) my oldest child and only daughter turns 13! Eeek a teenager…..nooooooo say it aint so! i cannot believe that my precious little baby girl is already 13 years old. fellow moms out there - you know what i mean: these monkeys grow up way too fast!

so, a teenager huh? i have received condolences from many about the following years and many well wishes and good lucks in dealing with a teenage daughter. but you know what? having a teenager does not worry me at all! i am not scared of the years to come no matter how dark some might think they will be. danielle is a beautiful soul (intelligent, kind, loving, generous, helpful, determined, strong, compassionate….to name a few of her attributes) and even though she does have an attitude on certain occasions, it is nothing to be worried about. i mean, in terms of the other things that i see going on in the lives of her peers, if all i have to deal with is a few rolled eyes and a couple ‘whatevers’ than i will count my blessing and will not complain.

i actually do not anticipate much of a struggle with danielle. she is growing up and will want to do more and more on her own as she explores her independance and i am sure that she will test the limits along the way. but all children do that at all stages in their lives. that is what growing up is all about.

as dani turns 13 i am trying to figure out where the time flew and exactly how quickly the next few years will pass. i realize that she will live more and more of her life outside of the home and away from me. i worry that i haven’t taught her all she needs to know or that i won’t have the time to teach her before she moves on and eventually lives away from home. perhaps it is selfish, but what bothers me the most about he pending teenage years is i the fact that i will miss her dearly. i continually ask ‘how much longer/often will i get to spend mornings or evenings with her watching our favorite TV show (gilmore girls)? how often will i get to make cupcakes or cookies with her w/ our ’special love’? how many more days will we get to go shopping and laugh as we try on the hats in Macy’s? how many more nights will i get to have her sit on my bed and go on and on and on and on and on about what happened at school that day? how many more opportunities will i get to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much she is loved (especially when she has had a bad day)? i have a sneaky suspicion that i won’t get as nearly as much of any of those things that i will want.

i truly treasure the moments i get with her. she was so small and fragile when she was born (a premie weighing 3lbs 1oz) and has grown into a beautiful girl who is strong and determined and sure of herself. i am immensely proud of who she is and the choices she makes on a daily basis. i know that she must grow up and i can accept that. it is, however, a very hard thing for me to learn to let go. my heart is sad to think about the day when she will leave home and as i send her off with all the love and support i have to give her, i will be sad to lose a part of my life that is so important to me.

so having a teenager for me is not so scary except for the fact that i may not be as ready to let her grow up as i should be…

the happiest place on earth

yes - that’s right- i’m talking about DISNEYLAND….well sort of…..

yesterday was a fabulous day. jerry and i, along with his brother, took the kids to well, you guessed it, disneyland. what a fun thing to do as a family. it was the first ‘big’ family outing we have all taken together. we have done visits to family and spent many weekends and weeknights together but this was our first major outing together. it was such a wonderful way to celebrate the new family we’ve created. it meant so much to me to have jerry by my side and to know that we are creating new memories together with the kids.

so we all know that disneyland claims itself to be ‘the happiest place on earth’ - and i have to tell you it was a very happy day. everyone got to ride on the rides they wanted (i chose the carousel thank you very much) and we got through the day without any tears or arguments and without anyone getting lost :o) there was ice cream and a fabulous dinner in new orleans square and lots of laughter and hugs and all around fun. we exhausted ourselves and when we finally left, the monkeys could barely keep their eyes open on the tram back to the parking lot. a very happy day at a very happy place indeed but, the happiest place? i’m not so sure

after a long drive home, jerr and i dragged the kids inside. he carried the little guy while i tried to convince danielle and luis that they needed to wake up and take themselves inside because there was no way we could carry them in. a few minutes later, after final hugs and kisses they were all tucked in and sound asleep. i looked at their beautiful faces and marveled at how big they are and yet how little they still are at the same time. i said a thank you to the powers that be for such amazing children, for the fact that they are safe and for their health. i then walked down the hall and crawled into bed next to jerry who turned over and wrapped his arms around me…..in that moment, i felt safe and loved and perfectly content.

inside my home with the children safe and my love by my side……that, for me, is the happiest place on earth and i’ll take that any day over disneyland!

will she remember me next time?

i went to visit my grandmother today. i try to see her every other week but honestly, i should see her more often. she is getting old. she’s 86, lives in an assisted living community, confined to a wheel chair and her memory is starting to go. she lives about one mile away and so with taking all of that into consideration, i should see her at least once every week. the thing is though, visiting her is really hard for me emotionally. growing up, my grandmother was this amazingly strong woman who ran a very tight ship and was so independant. my grandfather died when i was about a year old and she never remarried so she was very used to doing things on her own and doing things her way.

and now she has to rely on others to almost everything and there is very little choice in her world. it is so sad to see her struggle with the reality of her life these days. and it is so sad to see her memory go. i’ll call and tell her i am coming to visit and by the time i get there 10 minutes later she doesn’t always remember that i called. she can’t remember the names of my kids sometimes and has not been able to remember the fact that i am engaged lately. she has met my fiance and every time we talk she’ll ask about my love life and i’ll tell her it’s fantastic and tell her about jerry and ask if she remembers the day he came to visit. she says ‘oh yes’ but i can tell she really doesn’t .

today i brought her a new phone because her other one decided to stop working. i had to tell her 3 times that i brought her a phone since she kept telling me that hers was not working. i then had to show her how to use the new one each time. i just felt like telling her ‘don’t you dare grandma. don’t you dare not understand how this works. you are smart and lively and an example to me of how to be a strong woman in this world. don’t you dare not be that person anymore!’ i didn’t of course, it’s not her fault and it wouldn’t make a difference anyways. i wish it would.

maybe its selfish that i just want to hold on to the person that she was and so struggle to see her because i don’t want to face the reality of who she has become. it scares me. she is my last living grandparent and i did not handle the deaths of my father’s parents when they passed away 8 and 9 years ago.. i’d like to think that i have grown since then and would now be able to handle the situation differently but i’m not so sure about that. it still scares me and i still want to avoid it and deny it as much as i possibly can.

the reality is that my grandmother has done nothing but love me all my life and now as she ages and her time on this planet is limited she deserves nothing less than all the best from me and for me to love her and be there for her the way she was always there for me. it is selfish to not visit because it is difficult or uncomfortable for me. i am sure i made many days of her life difficult or uncomfortable….yeah very sure.

my grandmother is still a wonderful woman who i feel blessed to have had in my life and i am grateful that my children have the privilege of getting to know her too! it is sad to know that one of these days she might very well not know me next time i visit. but even though i ask myself if she’ll remember me next time i will keep visiting and will go more often and enjoy the time that i have with her now because i know that i may not have that much time left.