a note from the doctor

I went to my doctor a couple of weeks back to get an all around check-up. I figured it was time since I cannot remember my last physical and I also had some things I wanted to discuss with him. Among these, I wanted to know what is causing the most incredible headaches I have ever experienced in my life!!

A few looks in my eyes and ears followed by questions w/ some yes's and no's from me and the doctor gives a what he called a preliminary diagnosis of migraines. I would've much rather he just waved his magic stethoscope and pronounced my headaches Gone Forever - what else are they learning in all those years of medical school if not how to magically make me feel better on demand?!

He also ordered at CT scan, "just to check", since I have never experienced headaches like this before. Even though the whole idea of getting my head x-rayed completely freaked me out, I obediently went that appointment the following week.

I arrived home today and find a note in the mail from my doctor. It reads "Dear patient, Your CT scan is normal. The headaches are most likely just migraines as we previously discussed. Sincerely, Doctor Man." Um, yeah. I have a couple of problems with that: 1) where is the sympathy for my pain and my lollipop for being such a good patient? 2) 'most likely' does not sound like a very sound diagnosis to me, and most importantly, 3) 'just migraines' ....WHAT?! Obviously said by someone who has never experienced a migraine before because if you have ever had one you would never ever put the word 'just' in front.

These headaches are 'just' the most excruciating pain I have felt in my life - outside of labor- but at least I got something really cool at the end of that! These most likely migraines give me nothing but pain, force me to bed, and make me very lonely because in the middle of it all I really do need to be left completely alone to suffer through it - light and sound only make it worse. It is as if the monkeys in my head are using ice picks, sledge hammers, jack hammers, regular hammers, clubs, tooth picks, shovels, hatchets, drills and dynamite to hack their way out of my skull. It looks like my mom was right all these years when she told me I was being thick headed about things because the monkeys have yet to escape!

i forgive

forgiveness. this is something i have been working on recently. in particular, forgiving myself for the past. i have what i think to be a really wonderful life. a wonderful man who loves and supports me, 3 amazing kids who are all healthy and safe, parents who are incredibly supportive and, good friends, a home to live in and food to put on the table....the list could go on and on!

and yet there are days (many recently) when the budget is extremely tight and it is hard to get just the daily necessities let alone the little extra things, or when i find that i don't have the time to get all the things around the house done that need to be done or that i would like to do, or when i have to look at my sweet little ones' faces and tell them "not now" because i have school work to finish......on these days my soul is sad. i wonder "what if?..."

i'm a young mom. by that i mean i was just a kid myself when my daughter was born, 19 yrs old to be exact. i put off my education to work and help make ends meet and to be what i hoped was a good mom to my lovely little daughter. add a few years and two sons in the mix and i still haven't gone back to school and i am still struggling to make ends meet in a marriage that was anything near stable or happy.

i look back on so many decisions i made out of fear and ironically out of trying to make up for past mistakes - those decisions just led to more mistakes. and so i sit here wondering what if i hadn't become a mother so young? what if i found the guts and the day to pursue my education 15 years ago instead of 3 years ago? would i financially independent? would i be able to say yes to my kids more often? would i be less scared of messing up a marriage to a man i truly love and who in everyway is good to me and for me? would i have more faith and confidence as a parent and in myself? who knows?!

on the hard days i look back and wish i had done so many things differently. i've been doing that quite a bit lately and then i found this post and found something to hold on to. heather of desperately seeking sanity reminded me that i've gotten where i am because of the past - good and bad. and that in the end, it (the past) is irrelevant! what matters is who i am today and where i am going. i have learned a great deal from my mistakes as well as my accomplishments and have overcome many challenges. i am incredibly fortunate enough to have my children and to have found a man who i am so proud to call my love and if having them means having to have accept the bumps that have come along with the journey then so be it!

hopefully, i'll continue to learn how to hold on to that thought and learn to let myself off the hook - after all, i know how to do that for others, why don't i derserve the benefit of the doubt as well

SMART Habits - week 3

Another Saturday......another habit! I'm beginning to think that I should add SMART Habits Saturday to my new habits list!

Last week, I set out to drink more water. I definitely need to keep working on that one! I did better in that I drank A LOT less Diet Coke this week than I usually do but half of the days, I fell short of my 64 oz of water goal. On those days, I drank only 32 oz of water. I'm not getting down on myself because I have made progress and I know I will keep working on it. I did learn a couple of interesting things this week: 1) the more water I drink, the more I crave water, and 2) I drink DC every time I crave something sweet, which unfortunately for me is ALL OF THE TIME! So this week, I will work on finding a healthier substitute for satisfying my sweet tooth. I am thinking along the lines of Crystal Light of a piece of fruit or maybe a diet flavored iced tea. Hopefully those will work. Any other suggestions?

I am also going to add the habit of walking at least 3 days each week. The pups could use the exercise too and it would be a fun way to spend time with my monkeys and my sweetie too! We live in a great neighborhood and so close to a nature preserve which is a wonderful place to explore. Along with the weather being so fabulous at the moment, I really don't have any excuses for not doing so.

Happy trails for me and for you too! :o)

SMART Habits - week 2

Are you drinking enough water?

My answer is a resounding NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

I took the little quiz on the link above and learned that today - based on my weight, physical activity, local climate, etc. - I am to drink approximately 2.3 liters of water each day. How much water do I usually have you ask? Well let me see.........ok and then add that.........and add that.....carry over and the grand total is a big fat ZERO! Oh, but let me tell you how much Diet Coke I had yesterday

Let's see that's 5 12oz cans, plus 2 20oz bottles, plus a 32oz drink while I was helping my friend move and that adds up to...... 132! I am completely addicted to Diet Coke and I do not use that word lightly. I know its bad for me, I really do, and I know that I need to be drinking more water (a whole lot more) but there is a HUGE disconnect between knowing and doing in my world. However, recent health concerns (and a good talking to my best friend yesterday) have me thinking that I really need to take my health and what I put into my body more seriously and so I believe I have some good motivation.


Needless to say, my SMART Habit for this week is to drink water. I'm gonna jump right in and go with the ever popular 8 glasses of water a day. I bought myself a handy dandy 32oz travel water bottle. Its a cute pinky purple color so I will want to take it with me and I only have to fill and drink it twice to get my 64oz in! Sounds simple enough to me and yet, I am not so sure. What about my Diet Coke!?!

Well, I know that I cannot cut it out completely, I just don't have the will power. Therefore, I am going to allow myself to have it but within a few guidelines. I will not have a DC until after I have had 32oz of water. I figure, after having all that water, I won't really be thirsty and so maybe, just maybe, I won't want the DC so badly. I know I need to take caffine withdrawl into consideration but perhaps a nice cup of tea or even coffee to start my day will get me through? If not, I know that the suffering will only last a couple of days, I will get through it, and I will be much better for having made the change.

Last week my chosen habit was to plan my dinner menu for the week and have the shopping done by the end of day Sunday. I did great last week but ACK! just realized that my weekend is really booked!!! Now, I am not so sure I'll get the planning and the shopping done by Sunday night. Perhaps planning the menu should happen midweek......before the busy weekend.........yeah that might just be a good idea.

Thanks for reading! Wish me luck and get in on the fun!