i wanna hold your hand....

oh the power of holding hands! i have to admit that i love to hold hands but do not often think about why.....until last night.

last night i was feeling sad, scared, worried, stupid......all out of sorts. that is until my sweetie came over, sat next to me and held my hand. in that moment, the fortress i had built around myself began to crumble brick by brick. i should mention that i am a very talented brick layer and when it comes to building walls around myself to protect my feelings, i am very skilled indeed. but all it took was just that simple gesture to start bringing me out from behind my wall.

thinking about it now, i love holding hands because it is a connection to another that is simple and yet intimate all at once. it is comforting to know that someone is there to laugh with you, dance with you, walk with you, cry with you, or just sit with you. the point is, when someone hold my hand, i am not alone - there is someone there reaching out for me.

my sweetie and i hold hands all of the time - sitting, watching tv, walking down the street, in the grocery store, while out to dinner, and even at night as we fall asleep. i am so fortunate to have a man in my life who is so loving, patient and understanding and i am so fortunate to have a man in my life that will hold my hand at all times even when things aren't all that rosy. he is my someone and i love him dearly.

you know you're loved when

your 7 yr old has to take 4 items to school to represent who he is, one of the items he chooses is a picture of just the 2 of you, and he says "this represents me 'cuz you're my mom, you're the best, you're important to me..... and i love you!"

if only i could bottle the way that made me feel....

it's been a long long week

it started out fabulous: my sweetie and i packed up our monkeys and headed out to the Navajo Reservation in Arizona for the Memorial Day weekend. the drive is long about 12 hours but the kids are great travelers and even without a DVD player to keep them entertained we made it there without whining, crying, or arguing! i love those kids and are so proud of them when they figure out ways to get along. the best part of the trip besides it being our first family vacation together was that we were able to make the trip with my sweethearts parents and brother.

the weekend was amazing! it is just incredible beautiful out there in the desert, away from the noise, traffic, and congestion of the city. the weather was perfect and the chance to just get away from the business of my everyday life was truly a blessing. i appreciated the extra time with my love and with the monkeys and the chance to get to meet my new family! everyone was so welcoming and incredibly generous, i felt truly welcomed and honored to be part of such a loving family.

so where does the long part of the week come in? monday, early afternoon. we were on our way home. still in arizona and headed to laughlin for the night when my cell phone rang. it was my mom and she began the call with the words "i'm afraid i'm not calling with very good news." my heart just dropped. my grandmother had taken a terrible fall during the night, was in the hospital, non responsive and the prognosis from the doctors was that she very well may not make it thru the night. and i am about 10 hours away from home!

instead of driving to laughlin for the night and getting home on tuesday we just drove straight home. i didn't really even have to ask jerry or explain to him that i wanted to come home early. he just asked me once what i wanted, i asked 'can we go home?' he said yes, spoke to his parents briefly and we were on our way! i am so thankful for his understanding and willingness to support me and the kids and so thankful for his love. i am thankful for the understanding, love and support of his family as well. although we were all sad to have our play time together cut short, they all just wanted me to let me come home to my family. i won't ever be able to put into words properly what that meant to me.

we arrived home late monday night and i was able to get to my parents tueday morning. i had tried to call but was unable to get a hold of anyone and so i was terrified of what the news would be. i arrive at the hospital at 11 to find my mother with my grandma. she was doing better than the previous day and while although still detached from reality, she was having moments of clarity. she was extremely weak and coming in and out of consciousness. since she had no broken bones or serious injuries from her fall, the doctor's were looking to send her to a rehab facility to hopefully get her back in her wheelchair and back to her own apartment. i spent the rest of that day with my mom, gathering things for my grandmother and looking at local rehab nursing facilities. we found one in town, just a few blocks from my home in fact.

i returned to school on wednesday but have spent most of my free day time with my grandmother and helping my mom with arrangements and continuing to take care of arrangements for my grandmother. we have cleaned the floors in her apartment and cleaned out the fridge and gathered clothing items for her to wear in the rehab facility. in between i have tried to read and study for my summer classes, hug my kids and spend time with jerr. it's been hard and overwhelming.

mostly, my heart hurts to see my grandmother compromised, in pain, scared, and mentally unstable. i do not know how well she will recover from her fall and if she will be able to return home nor if she will even be with us much longer. while she is making some progress, she is not at the same time. she is currently not eating and has only gotten out of bed and into her chair once this week no matter how much coaxing and in some cases, pleading, has been done. i will be forever grateful to have the moments of her mental clarity to let her know how much she means to me and how many valuable life lessons she has taught me.

for now, i will end with the most significant advice she gave me during a particularly rough time in my life. i will never forget her words and i think of them each day:

faith, hope, strength and love
have faith in yourself and in god
keep hope that things will be as they should be
be strong and believe in your strength
always love with all your heart and know you are loved that way in return.

things to remember when i'm feeling blue

blue is my favorite color
i'm alive and so have the privilege of being down in the dumps
somebody somewhere has is worse off than i
my monkeys
and my sweetie
and everything about all of them
butterflies
the wildflowers i planted last month are beginning to bloom
hot chocolate - who cares if it's 75 degrees today?
this too shall pass......?.......not quite there yet
sunflowers
and gerbera daisies
the moment each of my children were born
the moment my love asked me to marry him
ladybugs
the first time i heard danielle say"ma" and she knew who she meant
the way enrique laughs and laughs when he gets a 'raspberry' on his tummy
the way luis always comes running to give me a hug when i pick him up from school
sunrises
and sunsets
the way it feels to laugh out of pure joy
breakfast - a really big breakfast w/ eggs french toast and bacon
chocolate - candy, cookie or frosting form it doesn't matter
the kids might be getting bigger but i'm still taller (for now)

no makeup - no problem!

I'm really not sure when makeup became such an important part of my day or why I somehow began to think that I just wasn't pretty enough when not wearing any.... but I sure do know when all of that stopped!!! I met a man and fell in love and he fell in love with me!!!! Wanna know the best part? He loves me just the way I am no frills - no bells - no whistles and he adores, what he likes to call, my "morning face". Talk about your confidence booster!! It would be nice if the rest of the world could be so kind.

Now don't get me wrong, most days I do dab on a bit on concealer, eyeliner and mascara but on the days I don't, or on the days it is all off by the time my sweetie comes home, I still feel beautiful.

With that said, and in honor of my sweetie, and in honor of a newly found love of self, I submit my no make up picture (i even skipped my SPF because it's slightly tinted and helps even out skin tone) for the Bloggers Without Makeup contest over at Adventures in Babywearing. If you want to get in on the fun, click the link above and submit your own natural self before May 4!!!

We come in all shapes, sizes, and colors - Make up or not we all are and deserve to feel beautiful - this has been a great reminder of that!

I feel pretty oh so pretty......and you should too! :O)

the happiest place on earth

yes - that’s right- i’m talking about DISNEYLAND….well sort of…..

yesterday was a fabulous day. jerry and i, along with his brother, took the kids to well, you guessed it, disneyland. what a fun thing to do as a family. it was the first ‘big’ family outing we have all taken together. we have done visits to family and spent many weekends and weeknights together but this was our first major outing together. it was such a wonderful way to celebrate the new family we’ve created. it meant so much to me to have jerry by my side and to know that we are creating new memories together with the kids.

so we all know that disneyland claims itself to be ‘the happiest place on earth’ - and i have to tell you it was a very happy day. everyone got to ride on the rides they wanted (i chose the carousel thank you very much) and we got through the day without any tears or arguments and without anyone getting lost :o) there was ice cream and a fabulous dinner in new orleans square and lots of laughter and hugs and all around fun. we exhausted ourselves and when we finally left, the monkeys could barely keep their eyes open on the tram back to the parking lot. a very happy day at a very happy place indeed but, the happiest place? i’m not so sure

after a long drive home, jerr and i dragged the kids inside. he carried the little guy while i tried to convince danielle and luis that they needed to wake up and take themselves inside because there was no way we could carry them in. a few minutes later, after final hugs and kisses they were all tucked in and sound asleep. i looked at their beautiful faces and marveled at how big they are and yet how little they still are at the same time. i said a thank you to the powers that be for such amazing children, for the fact that they are safe and for their health. i then walked down the hall and crawled into bed next to jerry who turned over and wrapped his arms around me…..in that moment, i felt safe and loved and perfectly content.

inside my home with the children safe and my love by my side……that, for me, is the happiest place on earth and i’ll take that any day over disneyland!