i forgive

forgiveness. this is something i have been working on recently. in particular, forgiving myself for the past. i have what i think to be a really wonderful life. a wonderful man who loves and supports me, 3 amazing kids who are all healthy and safe, parents who are incredibly supportive and, good friends, a home to live in and food to put on the table....the list could go on and on!

and yet there are days (many recently) when the budget is extremely tight and it is hard to get just the daily necessities let alone the little extra things, or when i find that i don't have the time to get all the things around the house done that need to be done or that i would like to do, or when i have to look at my sweet little ones' faces and tell them "not now" because i have school work to finish......on these days my soul is sad. i wonder "what if?..."

i'm a young mom. by that i mean i was just a kid myself when my daughter was born, 19 yrs old to be exact. i put off my education to work and help make ends meet and to be what i hoped was a good mom to my lovely little daughter. add a few years and two sons in the mix and i still haven't gone back to school and i am still struggling to make ends meet in a marriage that was anything near stable or happy.

i look back on so many decisions i made out of fear and ironically out of trying to make up for past mistakes - those decisions just led to more mistakes. and so i sit here wondering what if i hadn't become a mother so young? what if i found the guts and the day to pursue my education 15 years ago instead of 3 years ago? would i financially independent? would i be able to say yes to my kids more often? would i be less scared of messing up a marriage to a man i truly love and who in everyway is good to me and for me? would i have more faith and confidence as a parent and in myself? who knows?!

on the hard days i look back and wish i had done so many things differently. i've been doing that quite a bit lately and then i found this post and found something to hold on to. heather of desperately seeking sanity reminded me that i've gotten where i am because of the past - good and bad. and that in the end, it (the past) is irrelevant! what matters is who i am today and where i am going. i have learned a great deal from my mistakes as well as my accomplishments and have overcome many challenges. i am incredibly fortunate enough to have my children and to have found a man who i am so proud to call my love and if having them means having to have accept the bumps that have come along with the journey then so be it!

hopefully, i'll continue to learn how to hold on to that thought and learn to let myself off the hook - after all, i know how to do that for others, why don't i derserve the benefit of the doubt as well

a little anecdote

while on vacation my 7 year old announces that he needs to "water a bush". we are no where near a town and pretty much in the middle of nowhere. my dad finds a road that runs by a creek bed.

Nana: look at all the bushes you have to choose from!

Me: (in a very teasing tone) which one will you choose?!

The little monkey: (very matter of factly) a non see-thru one, please.

works for me :O)

road less traveled

i took a trip recently to utah with my parents and my children. very early one morning, i found myself on this road at sunrise. as the sun made it's way over the distant mountains, the following came to mind:

ROAD LESS TRAVELED
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

this poem has always spoken to my soul since the day i first read it over 20 yrs ago. as i stood in the middle of the road, listening to the silence that surrounded me and taken in the beauty of a world that i don't take the opportunity to admire often enough, i contemplated the road before me and the many roads i have traveled in my life.

to a great extent, i haven purposefully chosen the road less traveled. sometimes it was for the adventure. at others, it was just to be different. and at times, i choose it out of fear of the what lay waiting for me around the corner of the road most others were going down. these have been the most profound journeys in my life and that morning and every day since, i have contemplated the roads i have taken and realize that the choices i have made, truly have made all of the difference.

however, while i am grateful for where i am in my life today, and i understand that i got here by the choices i have made in the past, i am having a hard time dealing with certain roads i chose to travel and find myself having a hard time forgiving myself for some of those choices...

saying goodbye

i have never dealt with death well in my life. today is no different - i still cannot really handle the reality of a life coming to an end. i am hoping writing will allow me to get through what i cannot say in words.

my neighbor, Mr. Stone, passed away because he suffered on stroke during heart surgery. he was 82 years old. and he was an amazing man. i am so sad to know that he will no longer be part of our lives. i cannot even express how i feel.

married with 2 children and 4 grandchildren, Mr. Stone always had a smile, kind words and a hug for me. he proudly served in WWII and always had a story to tell. he collected aluminum cans and plastic recyclable bottles from the neighbors to earn money for a scholarship fund. until very recently, he would come over often to kick the ball around in the front yard with my kids and tell them how big they were getting, ask how they were doing in school, say how proud he was when they said they were doing well and tell them how lucky they were to have me for a mom. he constantly told me how proud he was of me for going back to school and the way i was raising the kids.

he leaves behind his wife, children, grandchildren, many friends and neighbors like myself who will greatly greatly miss him. goodbye Mr. Stone. i hope you knew how much you were loved

it's been a long long week

it started out fabulous: my sweetie and i packed up our monkeys and headed out to the Navajo Reservation in Arizona for the Memorial Day weekend. the drive is long about 12 hours but the kids are great travelers and even without a DVD player to keep them entertained we made it there without whining, crying, or arguing! i love those kids and are so proud of them when they figure out ways to get along. the best part of the trip besides it being our first family vacation together was that we were able to make the trip with my sweethearts parents and brother.

the weekend was amazing! it is just incredible beautiful out there in the desert, away from the noise, traffic, and congestion of the city. the weather was perfect and the chance to just get away from the business of my everyday life was truly a blessing. i appreciated the extra time with my love and with the monkeys and the chance to get to meet my new family! everyone was so welcoming and incredibly generous, i felt truly welcomed and honored to be part of such a loving family.

so where does the long part of the week come in? monday, early afternoon. we were on our way home. still in arizona and headed to laughlin for the night when my cell phone rang. it was my mom and she began the call with the words "i'm afraid i'm not calling with very good news." my heart just dropped. my grandmother had taken a terrible fall during the night, was in the hospital, non responsive and the prognosis from the doctors was that she very well may not make it thru the night. and i am about 10 hours away from home!

instead of driving to laughlin for the night and getting home on tuesday we just drove straight home. i didn't really even have to ask jerry or explain to him that i wanted to come home early. he just asked me once what i wanted, i asked 'can we go home?' he said yes, spoke to his parents briefly and we were on our way! i am so thankful for his understanding and willingness to support me and the kids and so thankful for his love. i am thankful for the understanding, love and support of his family as well. although we were all sad to have our play time together cut short, they all just wanted me to let me come home to my family. i won't ever be able to put into words properly what that meant to me.

we arrived home late monday night and i was able to get to my parents tueday morning. i had tried to call but was unable to get a hold of anyone and so i was terrified of what the news would be. i arrive at the hospital at 11 to find my mother with my grandma. she was doing better than the previous day and while although still detached from reality, she was having moments of clarity. she was extremely weak and coming in and out of consciousness. since she had no broken bones or serious injuries from her fall, the doctor's were looking to send her to a rehab facility to hopefully get her back in her wheelchair and back to her own apartment. i spent the rest of that day with my mom, gathering things for my grandmother and looking at local rehab nursing facilities. we found one in town, just a few blocks from my home in fact.

i returned to school on wednesday but have spent most of my free day time with my grandmother and helping my mom with arrangements and continuing to take care of arrangements for my grandmother. we have cleaned the floors in her apartment and cleaned out the fridge and gathered clothing items for her to wear in the rehab facility. in between i have tried to read and study for my summer classes, hug my kids and spend time with jerr. it's been hard and overwhelming.

mostly, my heart hurts to see my grandmother compromised, in pain, scared, and mentally unstable. i do not know how well she will recover from her fall and if she will be able to return home nor if she will even be with us much longer. while she is making some progress, she is not at the same time. she is currently not eating and has only gotten out of bed and into her chair once this week no matter how much coaxing and in some cases, pleading, has been done. i will be forever grateful to have the moments of her mental clarity to let her know how much she means to me and how many valuable life lessons she has taught me.

for now, i will end with the most significant advice she gave me during a particularly rough time in my life. i will never forget her words and i think of them each day:

faith, hope, strength and love
have faith in yourself and in god
keep hope that things will be as they should be
be strong and believe in your strength
always love with all your heart and know you are loved that way in return.