It's been one of those days

It's been a rough couple of days for me. Extremely busy and not so pleasant in other ways. The busy part comes from it being the end of the semester. Finals are next week and I never feel prepared! I will get through it and do fine - I have in the past, I can't really imagine it being that different this time around. In some ways it is wonderful to know that I am one semester closer to graduating (With a graduation date estimated at 2010, it can seem never ending at times) but at the same time it kind of freaks me out too!

Weird, I know but yet, that is the truth. I think I get freaked out because getting one stop closer to graduating means I am one step closer to graduating! Which means, I am one step closer to being in the real world without the protection of being in school. I'll have to show my stuff and then it's sink or swim baby! That is scary to me. I suppose it stems from my continuing questioning of self and my abilities. I can be so confident in some ways and so not confident in others. I still feel not good enough, and not smart enough and like I won't succeed. It's not so fun when my insecurities pop up. It would be nice if they would make me work harder but what really happens is that it makes me want to quit. I want to give up when I don't think that I will 'make the grade' and it has been a very long and hard journey to learn to fight through that feeling.

Things have been not so pleasant because today, my ex husband and I had our first major argument since our separation 5 years ago. We have tried so hard to keep our relationship civil and work together for the kids and it has worked-for the most part..... I won't go into the details because it would take way too long to explain but I will say that it centered around my feeling like he was skimping on his responsibilities and leaving me to clean up the mess. I lost my temper today - BIG TIME. The kids weren't around - thank goodness! I feel so ashamed for losing my cool like that (even if I still think he deserved it). Perhaps it is the fact that we - well, I'll speak for myself - I have just let things go more often than I should have and therefore, I great deal of frustration and even resentment has been building and it all finally came to a boil. I have let things go because I felt like it just wasn't worth the argument because 1) there are more important things in life and 2) it really wouldn't change his behavior anyway. Today though, I just couldn't let it go any longer and so I didn't, I held on tight and rode it all the way to the end.

I wish I could say I feel better but I don't. I feel exhausted and on top of that, I got a call from my doctor right after the 'discussion' with some unpleasant news - karma? Could be. Sigh.....