i've moved!!!

because i don't like to sit still.....i have moved my blog HERE! it has a lovely new home in my new website. i even have a fabulous new template. i am very very excited about it all :O) i hope you will come and visit me.....

the big FIVE-O

well here i am at my 50th post and it seems like i crawled my way to this point. i know lots of people post "100 things about me" for the hundredth but i have not seen anything for a fiftieth....so i thought that i would write a bit about why i am blogging in the first place.....it'll be good for me since on most days i am not quite sure myself!!

i have always kept a journal. it has always been a good way to acknowledge and sort out my feelings. i have a very special talent for banishing my emotions to oblivion only to find that they come back and ambush me at full force whenever i don't expect it. not the best way to go through life especially when your own children are the casualties. ask them, they will tell you point blank how i used to yell at them all the time. i am in no way proud of that behavior but proud that i have found a way to apologize for it and make a change. i still get frustrated with them but i no longer dump on them because of bottled up emotions that have nothing to do with them.

so if i have a journal than why this? well, before i started a blog i lurked around cyber space reading what other sisters, moms, daughters, friends, and women had to say and what i found was a source of comfort and support. i call it my cheap therapy. it helps to know you aren't alone. i thought if i was lurking around taking such wonderfulness from others, perhaps i should try to give back. i, in no way, feel like i have talent such that i have seen from others nor do i try to fit into one genre or another. good or bad, perhaps there is another someone out there who might benefit from daily-ness of being me.

as i started posting, i realized that writing in this form was such a good reminder to pay attention to the things that i usually forget to remember. in a way, i get to be my own therapist when i take a peak at what i have written. i still keep a journal. there are some things in my life that i still deem to personal for public knowledge but the rest of it is here.

my biggest challenge has not been to censor myself beyond the "do i really want any joe smoe to know this?" my sweetie and a few others in my life stop by here now and then. every so often i catch myself wondering what they might think about what i have to say and it makes me a bit shy. that's when i realize that blogging also helps remind me to share more of myself with those i love. maybe this blog is a little window into my world and that just might help build better relationships with those i love.

hopefully that will continue as i formally announce and share my blog with some who, i think, have no idea that i have been doing this. i am in the process of importing this blog into my website. it was a gift from my love and i think it is so cool. it is still in it's infancy and so am i in terms of learning how to manage it, but if you want to check it out, please do.

thanks for stopping by
~jenn

Menu Plan 9/17/07

It has been too long since I have posted a menu plan. I have been planning but just lacking the time to sit and create a post. This week, my budget is very very slim and so we are back to the good old basics in this house which allow me to get more bang for my buck.

Monday: Beans and Eggs w/ tortillas and salsa
Tuesday: Mac n Cheese with hot dogs
Wednesday: Shake n Bake Pork Chops w/ scalloped potatoes
Thursday: Refrigerator Medley (our name for left over night)
Friday: my night off

Menu planning still helps to save me time and money. For more information on Menu Plan Monday or if you want to play along, visit Laura the Organizing Junkie and join in on the fun!

~Jenn

i wanna hold your hand....

oh the power of holding hands! i have to admit that i love to hold hands but do not often think about why.....until last night.

last night i was feeling sad, scared, worried, stupid......all out of sorts. that is until my sweetie came over, sat next to me and held my hand. in that moment, the fortress i had built around myself began to crumble brick by brick. i should mention that i am a very talented brick layer and when it comes to building walls around myself to protect my feelings, i am very skilled indeed. but all it took was just that simple gesture to start bringing me out from behind my wall.

thinking about it now, i love holding hands because it is a connection to another that is simple and yet intimate all at once. it is comforting to know that someone is there to laugh with you, dance with you, walk with you, cry with you, or just sit with you. the point is, when someone hold my hand, i am not alone - there is someone there reaching out for me.

my sweetie and i hold hands all of the time - sitting, watching tv, walking down the street, in the grocery store, while out to dinner, and even at night as we fall asleep. i am so fortunate to have a man in my life who is so loving, patient and understanding and i am so fortunate to have a man in my life that will hold my hand at all times even when things aren't all that rosy. he is my someone and i love him dearly.

you know you're loved when

your 7 yr old has to take 4 items to school to represent who he is, one of the items he chooses is a picture of just the 2 of you, and he says "this represents me 'cuz you're my mom, you're the best, you're important to me..... and i love you!"

if only i could bottle the way that made me feel....

a note from the doctor

I went to my doctor a couple of weeks back to get an all around check-up. I figured it was time since I cannot remember my last physical and I also had some things I wanted to discuss with him. Among these, I wanted to know what is causing the most incredible headaches I have ever experienced in my life!!

A few looks in my eyes and ears followed by questions w/ some yes's and no's from me and the doctor gives a what he called a preliminary diagnosis of migraines. I would've much rather he just waved his magic stethoscope and pronounced my headaches Gone Forever - what else are they learning in all those years of medical school if not how to magically make me feel better on demand?!

He also ordered at CT scan, "just to check", since I have never experienced headaches like this before. Even though the whole idea of getting my head x-rayed completely freaked me out, I obediently went that appointment the following week.

I arrived home today and find a note in the mail from my doctor. It reads "Dear patient, Your CT scan is normal. The headaches are most likely just migraines as we previously discussed. Sincerely, Doctor Man." Um, yeah. I have a couple of problems with that: 1) where is the sympathy for my pain and my lollipop for being such a good patient? 2) 'most likely' does not sound like a very sound diagnosis to me, and most importantly, 3) 'just migraines' ....WHAT?! Obviously said by someone who has never experienced a migraine before because if you have ever had one you would never ever put the word 'just' in front.

These headaches are 'just' the most excruciating pain I have felt in my life - outside of labor- but at least I got something really cool at the end of that! These most likely migraines give me nothing but pain, force me to bed, and make me very lonely because in the middle of it all I really do need to be left completely alone to suffer through it - light and sound only make it worse. It is as if the monkeys in my head are using ice picks, sledge hammers, jack hammers, regular hammers, clubs, tooth picks, shovels, hatchets, drills and dynamite to hack their way out of my skull. It looks like my mom was right all these years when she told me I was being thick headed about things because the monkeys have yet to escape!

you only think your house is clean

that is until you have to move everything for the carpet cleaner.

oh my! i could have let him do it but then i would have turned a whole new shade of red watching him run in fear of the dust bunnies; not to mention the trash that found its way into the depths behind the boys' dressers and the abyss under their bed. i suspected that was how they were choosing to clean their rooms but i was happy living in denial and besides, what i didn't know (for sure) wasn't hurting!

needless to say, when those monkeys come home from their dad's they will have many bags to sort through! i may have had to round everything up but there was no way i was going to be the sucker that did all of the cleaning.

as a reward for my hard work, i have lovely clean carpets that are missing stains that have been there for years. is it strange that i am missing them a little bit too?

temper tantrums

oh how glad i am that my monkeys have out grown those!!! i was over at Rocks In My Dryer and i read this post which brought back a whole lot of memories....

ONCE upon a time, there was a beautiful little girl who was the queen of the land of tantrums. she had traveled long and wide gracing many stores, restaurants, family and friends with her all tantrum glory.

one day, the queen and her royal subjects (meaning myself and a good friend of mine) were at the park near our castle. when it came time to leave so the queen could get some much needed beauty sleep, the queen did not want to go, she was much too busy being entertained by the rulers of the neighboring king and queendoms. but as all queens know (and as some learn the hard way), being the queen does not always mean that you get what you want. and so, the queen began a lovely (horrendous) display of her royal temper tantrum glory.

at this point, i wish i could have thought of something like hosing her down to cool her off but sadly i did not. the tantrum went on long enough to attract the attention of the other kings and queens that day at the park and their loyal subjects. have i mentioned my daughter does not look like me?... at all?!

me: blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin
the queen: black hair, brown eyes and brown skin

i spent many years convincing people i was not the sitter or the auntie but the mommie and this day, i didn't have much luck. as my little queen yelled and screamed about not wanting to leave, someone in the park called the calvary thinking that perhaps, i was trying to remove her majesty from her kingdom without permission.

the knights arrive, sirens blazing and it just gets worse. i should also mention, the queen is about 2 yrs old and is completely capable of speaking short sentences, understanding the subjects around her and, most important to this story, knows that i am and know how to call me mommie! but for whatever reason (i still think it was completely out of spite and to punish me for ruining her tour of her kingdom) when the nice knight in uniform asked the queen if i was her mommie she said "NO!"

well hilarity ensued which included calls to relatives and her dad having to come to the park with a copy of her birth certificate to prove that i really was the queen's royal subject and allowed, by royal decree, to transport her around her kingdom.

there must be a fairy godmother out there that puts spells on us moms to allow us to love our little kings and queens no matter what and to laugh off the ways they stretch us to our limits instead of yelling "off with her head!!!" because without my fairy god mother, i would not be able to say

and they lived happily ever after...

pop pop! quiz quiz!

do you know what time it is?
school is back believe it!
success you can achieve it! ...

that little diddy is from my favorite commercial on the tele these days. i laugh every single time i see it! it's the staples "back to school" commercial and if you need a little fix like i do every now and then, you can watch it here. i especially like the dress shoes and socks that the dad has chosen to wear with his cheer leading outfit.

all this of course brings me to my post for today. it is finally back to school time for our household! this year the kids are all going to a new school and so they are each excited and nervous all at the same time. wonder how much sleep they will actually get? :O)

for my monkeys, waiting for the first day of school is like waiting for christmas - they just can't wait! and i'm not being sarcastic about it! i get excited too but it is still a little sad at times. they will now be spending most of their time away from home and i'm going to miss them! i'll have my pouting face on after i've dropped them off in the morning and as i head to my own school for the day.

this year, i must admit, i am looking forward to it as well. it means that we will all be back on a routine and this household always dose better when we get into a grove. things seem to get done more often when we are busy and the procrastination seems to drop off for all of us (me included). i think it is because, we lose the "i can just do that later" excuse.

either way, tomorrow will be a mixed emotion, for all of us i am sure, and i doubt i'll get much more sleep then the monkeys will tonight.

i forgive

forgiveness. this is something i have been working on recently. in particular, forgiving myself for the past. i have what i think to be a really wonderful life. a wonderful man who loves and supports me, 3 amazing kids who are all healthy and safe, parents who are incredibly supportive and, good friends, a home to live in and food to put on the table....the list could go on and on!

and yet there are days (many recently) when the budget is extremely tight and it is hard to get just the daily necessities let alone the little extra things, or when i find that i don't have the time to get all the things around the house done that need to be done or that i would like to do, or when i have to look at my sweet little ones' faces and tell them "not now" because i have school work to finish......on these days my soul is sad. i wonder "what if?..."

i'm a young mom. by that i mean i was just a kid myself when my daughter was born, 19 yrs old to be exact. i put off my education to work and help make ends meet and to be what i hoped was a good mom to my lovely little daughter. add a few years and two sons in the mix and i still haven't gone back to school and i am still struggling to make ends meet in a marriage that was anything near stable or happy.

i look back on so many decisions i made out of fear and ironically out of trying to make up for past mistakes - those decisions just led to more mistakes. and so i sit here wondering what if i hadn't become a mother so young? what if i found the guts and the day to pursue my education 15 years ago instead of 3 years ago? would i financially independent? would i be able to say yes to my kids more often? would i be less scared of messing up a marriage to a man i truly love and who in everyway is good to me and for me? would i have more faith and confidence as a parent and in myself? who knows?!

on the hard days i look back and wish i had done so many things differently. i've been doing that quite a bit lately and then i found this post and found something to hold on to. heather of desperately seeking sanity reminded me that i've gotten where i am because of the past - good and bad. and that in the end, it (the past) is irrelevant! what matters is who i am today and where i am going. i have learned a great deal from my mistakes as well as my accomplishments and have overcome many challenges. i am incredibly fortunate enough to have my children and to have found a man who i am so proud to call my love and if having them means having to have accept the bumps that have come along with the journey then so be it!

hopefully, i'll continue to learn how to hold on to that thought and learn to let myself off the hook - after all, i know how to do that for others, why don't i derserve the benefit of the doubt as well

a little anecdote

while on vacation my 7 year old announces that he needs to "water a bush". we are no where near a town and pretty much in the middle of nowhere. my dad finds a road that runs by a creek bed.

Nana: look at all the bushes you have to choose from!

Me: (in a very teasing tone) which one will you choose?!

The little monkey: (very matter of factly) a non see-thru one, please.

works for me :O)

road less traveled

i took a trip recently to utah with my parents and my children. very early one morning, i found myself on this road at sunrise. as the sun made it's way over the distant mountains, the following came to mind:

ROAD LESS TRAVELED
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

this poem has always spoken to my soul since the day i first read it over 20 yrs ago. as i stood in the middle of the road, listening to the silence that surrounded me and taken in the beauty of a world that i don't take the opportunity to admire often enough, i contemplated the road before me and the many roads i have traveled in my life.

to a great extent, i haven purposefully chosen the road less traveled. sometimes it was for the adventure. at others, it was just to be different. and at times, i choose it out of fear of the what lay waiting for me around the corner of the road most others were going down. these have been the most profound journeys in my life and that morning and every day since, i have contemplated the roads i have taken and realize that the choices i have made, truly have made all of the difference.

however, while i am grateful for where i am in my life today, and i understand that i got here by the choices i have made in the past, i am having a hard time dealing with certain roads i chose to travel and find myself having a hard time forgiving myself for some of those choices...